After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
