my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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