I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
