I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
