I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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