No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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