I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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