oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
