She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
this hospital has no fireball
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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