my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
