I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
