i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They took my balls.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
