That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
