Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
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Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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