Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
