just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
