seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
