I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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