Ambien. No doubt about it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
