Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
