Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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