while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
