After last night, I could never be a politician.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
