y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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