Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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