I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
