I think I won the penis lottery.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I touched a dick in church today
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