does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
