so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
