she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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