bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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