im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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