I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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