Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
