Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
