I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
