Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
