I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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