I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
