Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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