i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
