You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
