Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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