I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
