Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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