Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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