I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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