I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
