We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
