bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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