I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is Oprah even human
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
