so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
