I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!