i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.