I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?